Guest Essay: Darkstar’s Perspective on Iceman #7

 

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Many have asked how I was able to write a guest editorial for this website despite my status as a “fictional character”, and so I demanded my return in order to explain this detail for those who are not aware of the dull minutiae of comic book continuity. Everything you see in a comic is a real event, ghost written on behalf of one of the participants and then drawn and coloured and lettered and even occasionally edited before being sold on to the public. By doing so, we can make people believe that superheroes and monsters do not really exist, and that everything is simply a “comic book story”. This is, of course, our way of protecting you from a truth which would only upset you. Especially were you to find out about Howard, who unnerves me.

Therefore when you read the seventh issue of Iceman, you may be wondering why I am described as having “lotsa powers” rather than the writer inserting a six-page list of my many abilities within the course of the comic. I have been told that this would firstly be considered “a difficult read”, but that never seemed to bother Mr Lee. The central reason, however, is that Iceman was the one recounting the event to a ghost writer, and he doesn’t typically spend as much time on his studies as might be desired. It is very similar to the time when Grant Morrison insisted that he speak to a figment of his own imagination called ‘Fantomex’ and Marvel accidentally posted his stories as though they were canon.

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With this now explained, let me look back upon the events in Los Angeles when a reunion of The Champions was interrupted by a surprisingly low-key sentinel attack which felt more “authentic” than “exciting”. As the useful member of our team, my duty was to save the day whilst my colleagues posed for cameras, which of course they made their own priority. Tzarinas, it is very hard work being the world’s only superhero from Belarus, in a world where all these Americans and I think Greeks get all the credit and praise. This remains the reason why I have yet to receive an ongoing Netflix series when in reality who would refuse the opportunity to see a woman bring justice back to the streets of downtown Minsk?

I may appear to be flying in the background in most of the panels of this issue, but I can assure you that I was leading the team and doing the majority of the robot-punching, as you’ve come to expect from your favourite of the four canonical Darkstars to date. Once the robots had been defeated I returned to the bar and ate some herring. You can find anything in Los Angeles.

Whilst I was away, Iceman and his date went for “Netflix and chill”, which you will not see much of in Marvel Comics once this year is out. Disney are launching an alternative to Netflix in the coming year which will mean all Disney-based content will only be found on the Disney streaming service from that point onwards. In three years time, this comic will have been altered on Comixology to talk extensively about “Disney and heavy petting”. He did not disclose what happened that night when we all met up the next morning for breakfast, but given that he did not bring his date to breakfast….

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I brought everyone to a russian bakery for that breakfast, where they all had random cakes and I of course had a delicious herring. Iceman discussed our lost comrade Black Widow and a time when he was a total creep to her. This shocked all the men at the table for some reason, most likely because they also have a tendency to gloss over old comics whenever Iceman has dialogue. Ghost Rider was amazed that Iceman was able to date Polaris, given his terrible ability with women: as someone who has met Polaris, however, this does not come as a huge surprise to me. The woman hasn’t dated a good man yet.

My role in the story was to make Iceman feel better by saying something nice and wise, I forget what, because most things I say are nice and wise. He spent the entirety of The Champions trying to crack onto me, but one of my vaguely defined powers is high functioning gaydar and also general good taste in men (unlike, say, certain Nurses who haven’t appeared in any X-Men comics for a while). I believe Iceman took my advice to look forward, rather than backward, and channeled it into a decision to move out of the X-Mansion and into his own place.

It only took him fifty years. As someone who moved to America once to help my then-fiance try to bomb the country with a submarine (I think: I’m hazy on the details), I cannot highly rate moving home just to be with someone, but perhaps this time it will work out. If I’m ever recounted to Sina Grace again, I shall be sure to offer Iceman more advice to this effect.

For now, however, I’m mostly going to enjoy not being dead. Again.

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